Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Plans

The thing about walking away from a life you spent a decade creating with the person you thought you would grow old with, is that once it's over such a big piece of you has been stripped away that what you're left with is barely a drop in a bucket. I lost more than I realized I would. Am I regretting my decision? No. And don't think for a second that's what this is. When I see him now, I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision. I'm just simply not that person anymore. That person who overlooked and tolerated things that I can't turn a blind eye to anymore. I hear my feelings in a song by Sara Evans...

I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger...

And I know that I have the strength to move on with my life. But it's been two months and I'm still feeling like my feet are stuck in the mud. The universe isn't cooperating with the plans I made. Yeah, I know, the word "plans" is just such an absurd notion. As if we have ANY control over most of what happens in our lives... I knew it would take baby steps, but I'm not that patient. Sitting around my mom's house waiting for the phone to ring with someone wanting to give me a job on the other end is so old it has begun to stink. Frustration, depression, self-deprication, mental exhaustion from trying to reassure myself...all the usual suspects are taking their turn with me. I need to be working. J needs to be back in school with kids his age and a chance to burn off some of his endless energy. I need to be able to think about the future realistically, but when there's no money coming in it's impossible to do that. And the days of spending endless hours daydreaming about my future are over. No more filling my own head with bullshit ideas that won't happen.
Yeah, that's the other thing about walking away from the life you've been living... all the dreams that were built around "us" die. The house in the country full of things I had picked up here and there, the big front yard for J to run and play in, a back yard big enough for the puppy he so badly wants, and a front porch with a swing to spend long evenings on... But even as I was wrapping myself up in that wonderful fantasy life, in the back of my mind I knew it was a matter of time before I just couldn't deal with the disappointment of my married life anymore. Just a matter of time before my world was condensed to the four walls of my childhood bedroom in my mom's house.
I need a little hope.
A job offer that I can justify accepting.
To feel like I'm really taking care of myself and my son.

Is that too much to ask for?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

So... What's next?

I guess that is the million dollar question. One I sadly do not have an answer to. As my mom recently pointed out, it has been over a month since Jeff moved out of our house, and well, things have not worked out as I had hoped they would. For instance, I was thinking I would be back to work by now and that hasn't happened. I thought J would be back in school by now, that also hasn't happened. More than anything I wanted to hit the ground running after we separated, be able to land on my feet instead of my face, and feel like I was taking care of myself and my son instead of being supported by my parents. Clearly the universe had other plans. Or maybe it's just the wrong time of year to be looking for a job that doesn't have high turn-over. But I refuse to wait tables again no matter how bad things get! It's hard not to be depressed, it's hard not to be too critical of myself, it's hard not to be a bit bitter... but at the end of the day, despite the fact that I keep running into brick walls every which way I turn (thanks Heidi for pointing out that this only means I am "well protected"!), I have no regrets. I always manage to scrounge up a little optimism this time of year, especially right around December 31st when I start thinking about a new year and what may be waiting for me during the next 365 days. And I always think of a long-lost friend I loved so much who doesn't get to make plans for the coming year anymore and how pissed he would be at me for sulking my way into a new year!

So, for now anyway, I'll put the job hunting aside. I'll look forward to Christmas Eve with my big, crazy family... Christmas Day with my son ripping open presents from Santa... and planning my little boy's upcoming 4th birthday party. And when January 1st comes along, 2012 and I will work out how things are gonna go.

Monday, November 14, 2011

When one door closes...

My husband moved out last week.

Now, before my loving friends begin posting messages of support and well wishes, his decision was made following my announcement that I have put as much into our ten years together as I can muster. Ok, that's it. That's all you're getting. It wouldn't be fair, or tasteful, for me to get into the gritty details of what we have been going through as a couple for the length of time it has taken me to reach my decision to end things. All I can say is that I have learned that, like every other wonderful thing in life, love does not last forever. And sometimes it just isn't enough to keep a marriage together.

So, what's next for me? Well, I will once again invade my poor mother's sanctuary, this time with redheaded wild child in tow. I pray for her sanity and you should, too. I will re-enter the workforce I left behind over a year ago. I will be financially independent (somewhat) and attempt to rebuild my credit standing. And I will put my life back together with the help of those who know and love me most. My family, my friends, and a redheaded wild child.

Show me no pity, I'll show you no regret.